Well the last 4 months (and week) of my life have been very intense. I have been through a crazy life transition again- so much to the point I think life is just a series of events that forces you to be comfortable with who you are and teaches you to learn to swerve with the turns in the road. I’m catching up fast on editing and putting together my posts from america, but in the meantime all I can thinking about is being back. As I’m sitting here now jetlagged gearing up for PFW work, and watching everything going on online/instagram I wonder how all these other women with same- to busier schedules than me are making it look so easy, and effortless to travel this way?

I arrived back in Europe one week ago, a short 8 hour flight in which I did not sleep and a difference of 9 hours from Los Angeles where I was staying most of the time. I’m most of the time returning from my american holidays and then having to get right back to work for fashion week. To be honest, I am not getting paid to go to shows, or even invited yet to my favorite brands shows so I don’t feel the need to always go to fashion week anymore unless I have work. It’s become like coachella for me. Something you feel pressured to do because everyone else is. Besides for obvious PR benefits (yes being seen in this industry can get you more work), there is no point for me to walk around Paris in clothes I don’t own freezing around people that I particularly wouldn’t like if I saw them out in LA. I live in Europe so I don’t get so excited to see american people I know come to the city and act like celebrities during this week.
None of us are famous for having fashion blogs. This might sound negative but a big newsflash is that most of the people you see attending these shows and wearing designers are rich, come from rich families with connections in the business and voila. We are just now starting to emerge on a period where real people are given chances to be part of these brands and be showcased and that’s what I do love about fashion week.

I love seeing my friends who realize this is all full of shit, but show up, are normal and come to do their stuff. A normal fashion week for me is Djing a few gigs, meeting with designers who like my style, seeing friends in town, and going to a select few shows. I have nothing to prove, and albeit fashion week is exciting and I am very blessed to normally be able to go – I am okay with or without it.

But back to the real life. Coming back to Europe has been well a fresh breathe of air. I have been extremely jetlagged (staying up all night and sleeping in too long.) Tomorrow I will have an assistant come over to help me unpack my things because it’s been so cold I haven’t had the motivation! I literally have only been able to catch up on my work and take naps. Is this normal or do I have abnormally low energy? I know when it comes to working and making money, bands will make her dance even if she’s tired. But in the middle of a european winter (snow) and just getting back from L.A. -I just am tired and slugglish especially after traveling the last 4 months.

I think some of the tiredness comes with leaving my family and all the stories I have been wrapped up into the last months. I also know what’s ahead of me and all the strength it will require. Strength I don’t quite yet have! I am just a person who needs to recharge my batteries. While it could be easier to sit silent on those days, I am human just like anyone else and feel really bad about myself when I see basic girls with no real style or personality traveling more than me on better conditions, looking happy and put together, working with the brands I should be working with and surviving. They aren’t complaining about being tired and sad! They aren’t wearing cozy clothes to fashion week. They do a full face of makeup (even though that doesn’t even look good anymore)!

I don’t want to pretend that this is easy. There are perks… people ask you to work for free all the time in exchange for items. Or they think because they pay you good money to do something easy they own you and your perspective voice. I am not a difficult person all the time, but the minute my right to be authentic gets compromised I’m out. I have realized how empowering having an online presence is. I am so blessed to be making a living off of being creative. As a child who wanted to be an artist but was told it wasn’t a real way to make money I feel very satisfied. But. Bullshit is Bullshit. There isn’t another word for it.

Some of us are here to create, and we are the ones who still buy print magazines and geek off of the way editorials make us feel. We rummage pinterest or old art books, and study movies for inspiration. We want to make things that last, but we don’t know why.

I really hope that people will stop ruining art for us. As I sit honestly still jet lagged on my couch in my PJs eating toast with butter and a coffee at 19:30p (Amsterdam time) I’d like to be honest. Tomorrow I will unpack my suitcases for the first time in a week. They are on the floor in my room still. I will go fix my broken nails probably thursday because I leave for Paris friday in which I’ll probably pack thursday night or that morning. I don’t know where my winter coats are and I’m scrumagging my emails nows to mark my calendar planner for fashion week. My skin is dry, I’ve been eating bread and I’m in a mood.

These lovely photos are by my friend Vlasta Pilot, we met living in NYC, but she just moved to L.A. so we got to have a coffee and take a walk in my favorite neighborhood of Beverly Hills (where I will marry and have kids with a nice man with the swag and kindness of Drake in the G-d’s plan video and live happily ever after.) We spoke about life and just caught up and made some cool photos in between. Can’t wait to be back in Los Angeles as a base. I am done with european winters for a while! Nothing like Los Angeles and being able to just have a thin cute jacket all the time!

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