the other night walking home from reiki I got caught in the rain. normally this would upset me, but on that particular night I didn’t mind. I decided to run home in my faux fur coat and as I began running I passed so many people who were in my exact predictament. As the rain came down harder, I began to run faster and faster. Now normally I would think about my hair or become fussy about my sneakers, but this night I ran. As I passed strangers I smiled at them and they smiled back. We were stuck in this together. I began to run so fast I wanted to cry but tears of happiness this time.
At this moment I realized (after A LONG time) that I was happy in my life. Sure I have problems just like anyone else. I have heartaches too. I’m even lonely sometimes and confused about how to let people be there for me. But in this moment I’m happy. I have accomplished some of my goals, I have surpassed some of my obstacles, and I have been working on me. A few days prior, I felt this feeling we call happiness. My days lately have been flying. I’ve been working, communicating, and problem solving. I have been feeling better inside.
But if I can be honest I felt afraid of this. You know the voice that tells you if you’re happy you will pay later on. Happiness can sometimes feel like a toy or a great relationship or money. You’re just wondering when it’s all going to run out. Thinking that maybe these things are just too good to be true.
But this night, I smiled. And I took these moments in the rain as a sign. It’s been a really hard year for me. I had my heart broken with some deep family problems during the holidays last year, and had a really hard time dealing with that. I would say it even effected my work a little. So I did something I had never done in such a long time. I took care of myself. I found ways to heal. I am still healing but I can say that now things are better. I feel better, and I found a way of life that is good for me. On the other side of things, I wish I had of been less hard on myself to be strong during these times and had learned to be in the moment of my harder times more. Those times make me appreciate how I feel now so much more.
I think this message is so important right now during the holidays. It’s hard for me to share my personal life so much, but for people who have complicated family lives finding sources of love and understanding of self can be so complicated… and the holidays can be painful and a chore. I have reminded myself that if I am not at my best, if I am not strong I am no good to the people that I love.
So I say start with you, love yourself and then spread that seed out in the world to those you love, those that love you, and beyond…
photos by Jhelisa Tramaine