This is one of my favorite moments in life. I am writing because something has sparked me to write. I update this blog on average about two times a week, and I shoot my editorials maybe 6 to 7 times a month- that’s a lot of content, but most of you will notice I don’t post things until I am moved. Something I must admit I need to work on, is writing and saving my ideas, but hey- I am still just 2 years into this whole thing professionally. Tonite I had the genius idea while thinking nervously about returning to LA for the first time since I left for France to DJ next week to look back at my instagram to when I lived there last. Total and Utter SHOCK.
When I looked back at my 27 year old overly confident but undeniable more beautiful than I am now self I cringed. How could I have been so bold. How could I have been so stupid. Why was I wearing that. Why did I say that. Why did I care so much about that person when they treated me like total shit.
The truth is I really couldn’t recognize myself in this moment of looking back. I was a cringe worthy typical LA girl. In this moment I had to thank G-d for what I have become and sending me to Paris for reform. Now I am a quite simple 30 year old girl. I say girl because although I fully consider myself a woman, I am still lacking so many functional parts of my life that make me a woman. I eat fruit loops, PB&J, and fruit snacks still. I have no children, I have no house, I have no car anymore, I have no husband. I don’t even have a boyfriend, and I am so awkward and selective that the people I have my sights set on just don’t get it. I am just kind of making things up as I go, and well you know what- it works.
To come back around full circle on my original thoughts for this post I wanted to write about a instagram post I made after looking back down a frightful memory lane of the days I thought I was cool. I will reassure you that I am not cool. I go to bed anywhere between 10pm and 3am every night and wake up and have 2 to 3 cups of espresso or coffee. Normally I have to go get a pain au chocolate as well (probably where the unforgiving 5 pounds has remained from). I sleep next to my computer and my ipad and my phone is pretty much always in my hand (something my younger middle brother who is happily married tells me will prevent me from having a boyfriend– but if I had a bf I wouldn’t be on my phone now would I? I would be making out somewhere in the romantic cut)
within an hour of posting my about my embarrassing transformation from LA girl to modern european 30 year old girl woman on instagram to many of my loyal “followers” who many of whom I may remind you have been following me since my embarrassing LA days, cool NYC nights and moving back to LA being a total stoner pop urban chick…. I had about 15 girls write me messages and comments about how much they related. Some even told me they recognized my growth and change. This to me was gushy. It was powerful. This is what all this lame social networking shit is about isn’t it? Stay with me.
One girl specifically proceeded to tell me she related with my choice to abstain from sex, but she felt often shamed for this decision and that women couldn’t really be open about this. Well as this is my blog and someone actually reads it I will tell you the truth from my own mouth. I was sleeping with 1 shithead for about a year and a half. I loved said shithead. This shithead had a problem, and made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. We were friends, but after a while I realized I was just a shithead too to be sleeping with someone who didn’t wanna hold my hand in public and walk in the street with me or go get chicken & waffles. SO I stopped. The night before my 30th birthday during the summer I wrote him a long email and told him how I felt, he acted dumb called me a sex friend, I cried all night and I stopped. I had a weak moment and went back to him once in these past 7 months, and had wonderful sex. It was meaningless, and that hurt and made it easier to never go back again. Sure I have had my share of cute guys try to have sex with me. I have gone on dates where guys have tried to force themselves on me and I have thrown up in my mouth a little and never spoken to them again. You see, special girls just don’t give themselves away.
It’s taken me a long time to realize that. So I haven’t had sex in all these months. I think about it all the time, but the urge to be with someone who is just gonna make me feel empty afterwards is a big fat no thanks man. I met a guy randomly a few months ago at a work thing. Didn’t really notice him at first, didn’t really think he was cute, totally not my type. Dude opened his mouth and I really liked what was coming out of it. The rest of the work trip there was a gravitational pull that had me wanting to be near this Dude. Saw Dude a few weeks later on friendly circumstances, still didn’t know how I felt. But Dude opened his mouth again and said more amazing, smart, thought-provoking things and I was just a fly on the wall watching him maneuver his way through life and was amazed. I had deep and meaningful talks with Dude and left Dude feeling what we call “butterflies”. I still think about him often. I didn’t have sexy time with him because I have less game than Samuel L. “Screech” Powers and well he didn’t try because he had respect for me… but these are the kinds of guys that it’s okay to have sex with eventually.
Being Abstinent in this day and age isn’t about not being sexual, being religious or extreme. It’s about respecting yourself and when you get to be a certain age it’s also a matter of safety emotionally and physically. I personally think its gross sleeping with tons of people. I also don’t wanna pick up any funky energy and when you sleep with someone you share chakras, and bish you guessed it– energy.
Another girl from Berlin wrote me a DM saying that she was going through a tough break up and had been reading my blog and that it really has been helping her get through it. She’s decided to focus on herself and love herself first. She’s 24. If I knew this at 24. I probably would have saved my heart from being broken by someone who clearly never deserved me in the first place. I guess this can bring me back to the abstinent part. I want to be so clear that the lack of romantic or sexual love in my life the past 2 years fully allowed me to focus on my work and making something of myself.. also cleaning up my act a bit in life. Sure I had boy drama here and there with someone I wasn’t even with, but I really actively stopped giving a shit.
Now I am in a place where I really want to be with someone, but the barriers and tests that this person will have to go through and pass will be thick and not so easy because I already know what I have to offer and what I am bringing to the table. I really don’t feel that I will even be entertaining someone who isn’t a mirrored image of the qualities I love about myself. It’s about respect.
I am so happy when I get more feedback from you girls about what I write than what I am wearing and where I got it from. It makes me feel really happy and keeps me moving. I mentioned in some past posts that I wanted to start a SITL bookclub. Well the first book is Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. I will be doing a weekly review of what I have read until I finish! First review will be on the first 3 chapters! I would love you all to be involved as well and hear your stories and start an open dialogue!
photo credit: vertie photography
mua: hannah nathalie