It’s been an interesting summer so far that’s for sure. I just turned 32 and well I feel almost as lost as ever in a wide-eyed I know what I want kind of way. I absolutely know what I want and in hindsight I can even begin to look at areas of my life where I could have made different choices and done better. I will write all about my birthday weekend and stuff soon in upcoming posts. But now I just want to speak about what life means now.
UNREQUITED LOVE AND THE FUTURE
I’m sure it’s no secret that I’ve been going through heartache this summer. And at this age, (I hate saying this) being alone and dating has just changed. I’m not looking for anything insignificant or forced in fact I really believe in destiny. Life just doesn’t always afford us to have what we want when we want it. Love is deep, love is complicated, and the reason it’s love is because it’s so tragic and real. Would it be love if it didn’t make you feel things? I’m not sure. But I’m a fighter naturally for things that I want in life so stepping back and leaving it to G-d has been hard lately. But I must confess a few things.
I used to dream of parties and shopping and now I dream of loving one person for the rest of my life and becoming a mother. I love my work, I love my waist and my perky boobs and butt, but I want these things too. It’s something that wakes you up. Because you need to be able to handle yourself, your life and everything that could go wrong to be ready for these things. I’m sobering up to the fact that I am no longer a child and I have to be the bigger woman now. I have to get my shit together, so to speak.
I see so many women via social media with the whole packages, I have some friends and family members whom have the more cozy things in life that I desire. The pressure is sometimes there. You consider time and society and you wonder if it will ever happen for you.. and when you’re close to feeling it it’s even harder to let go.
SELF CARE & LETTING SHIT GO
Well after turning um 32 I realized that taking care of myself better is no longer an option. It has become a survival need. When you’re busy and don’t really live a stable life you need to do some things in life that stabilize you. Whether that’s spend a whole day on the couch after traveling or take a long hot shower and meditate. I am starting to feel like a very special animal or child with very special care directions. I’m sensitive but that’s what makes me special. I’ll share some of my self care tips in a following post.
I’ve also started to realize that some shit is not worth fighting for. Particularly in work, between women and well just petty shit. I’m the kind of person who will try to fix things once or twice with people I really care about and then I will just decide my life is already too dramatic and let it go. But if we aren’t close and you pissed me off the first thing I might do is cut this relationship out of the equation to save myself the stress. Sometimes that’s good & sometimes that’s not necessary.
WAYS TO STAY FEELING GOOD
When I am busy with work I am always struggling for ways to keep it all together whilst keeping real life and future goals in check. This week after coming home from Paris, and spending a weekend with no particular schedule with friends I decided to put myself in check and make a schedule for myself. Here are some habits I redefined in one week that made me feel a lot better and under control.
TOOK THE TIME FOR ME.
I was really feeling anxious at the beginning of the week from not having a lot of alone time. So I went to the park and made a plan. I made my to do list for the week and thought about all the things I had to tackle this week inside and out. I also just took the time for tv, some bad food I like, a little smoke, and sitting in the sun.
GOT TO WORK.
For me there’s nothing more satisfying than checking things off my to do list. I made one big list and one for each day and anything I had to do I put it on there! You can start with the easy things or self care items and then ease yourself into the harder. Like today, I have to finish cleaning my room for example and have to pack two boxes. These tasks have been impossible to finish, but I started doing a little each day.
THINGS THAT HELP ME STAY BALANCED>>>
MEDITATION. (LOOK UP GABBY BERNSTEIN- SHE HAS SOME GREAT STUFF)
PRAYER. (I OFTEN ASK G-D FOR STRENGTH AND TO SHOW ME WHAT’S WHAT IN SITUATIONS I STRUGGLE WITH)
WRITING. (IS ALMOST ALWAYS THERAPUTIC TO ME)
BEING CREATIVE & WORKING.
15-20 MINUTES OF YOGA.
GOING TO THE PARK.
A FACE MASK.
CHATTING WITH FAMILY OR CLOSE FRIENDS.
I guess all in all different strokes for different folks, but for me holding myself accountable and planning is what has really been motivating me lately even if I stay up until 1AM working and doing my stuff I know it’s all for my benefit!
Hope this resignates for some of you!
photos by @looneytounss from enfant du cartel
tee: supreme new york
shoes: new balance via sarenza