I often wake up in the middle of my sleep with trails of insomnia and excess thoughts with the need to get it all out through words. Lately life has been taking me to some pretty exciting places yet through rough streets and hard alleyways of pain and sacrifice leading to rolling green hills of sweet self discovery & surprises on the other side. Currently, it’s around 3am in Amsterdam and I can hear the rain. I am contemplating summers ago that I visited this city sitting in my hotel room with the windows open and flashes of summer rain on my skin laying in bed thinking of how I’d love to move here for a quaint period to work and write a book. While my visions of writing a book right now are pretty far-fetched in accordance with my ever-growing list of goals I am still here on the other side of those thoughts I never knew were fathomable.
This makes me feel that it’s quite possible I can have anything I want, and that maybe if I have a really honest conversation with my inner self sometimes we are the ones who hold ourselves back. I am constantly having to check my thoughts because as much as I know myself, I sometimes let fear get in the way of what I know I really deserve. Sometimes fear gets in the way of what I even know that I am capable of. Recently I had some things happen to me that turned my head a bit. We always view ourselves differently than others seem to. Sometimes I see things I want, see people I want to be in my life, but there’s this sneaky fear in the back of my mind that speaks to me telling me maybe I am not good enough for those things or people who always end up sometimes gravitating to me because I have figured out a bit of how to manifest and work for great things in my life. I know as a person that I have a magnetic pull and attraction from and towards great things and people. It’s really a big part of my placing importance on energy and life as an empathetic person.
On the other side there’s keeping them, and the daily struggle of reassuring yourself that you are worthy of all the things you deserve. I’ve spoken pretty candidly and openly about the struggle and journey down the road to my early thirties and the up and downs that come with becoming a woman in your own right I think. I feel so much respect for women who have children, husbands and families before reaching thirty. I have grown so much over the past few years and I absolutely know what I want but I also know myself enough to over analyze every detail of my life which sometimes seems to be to my disadvantage.
I spoke to my father earlier tonite just catching him up with my life and telling him the latest juicy details. He puts so much emphasis on my work, which is the one area I seem to excel in. But tonite I told him I want so many other things, and that while work is my passion, I have to start trying to tend to other areas of my life. I guess today, I am writing from a human place, not one of advice. I don’t really have any to give right now. I can say, however, that life is so amazing. It’s tricky, and it can be foolish. On the other hand it can also almost pinch you sometimes metaphorically to remind you that you’re alive and you really can have all of the things you dream of. I constantly stress letting things come to you and the necessity to stop trying to manage our lives so much.
The cliché things that people say to you sometimes are true. Sometimes things do come to you when you least expect it. Sometimes things do fall apart so new things can come together. Sometimes things you hoped would work out don’t, so that something new can enter your life. Sometimes doors close, so new bigger windows can open.
In my sleepless rambles, I came across a short documentary via The New Yorker about Razie, a 90-year-old former jewish woman who became an atheist and tried bacon for the first time. It’s much deeper than that, but the short documentary follows her journey of rediscovering life on her own terms aside from her former religious beliefs. I tend to believe that our poisonous thoughts, fears, knowledge of what we know and what we have been through in the past, confidence or lack there of, and fear of being hurt or abandoned holds us back sometimes from fully experiencing some of life’s best moments.
I have made a conscious agreement with myself to open my eyes more often. To breathe in the fresh air deeper when I feel it on my skin and in my body. To appreciate my love for overcast weather, grey cities, and fall weather year round. To feel okay with the fact that maybe I am not a sunshine all the time kind of person and I don’t quite like to be hot anyways. To embrace that I like the fact that I have been a Christian, studied Judaism for years now, and am actively reading about the life of a Yogi, practicing Buddhist attributes and that I take and hold values of all of those religions combined. To love that I am particular- If I don’t feel someones energy, I stay away and I don’t warm up to people quickly and that’s quite okay. In mid laughter with my friends, I remember how much I love them and how I chose to only adopt the friends that naturally would become family to me. I rejoice when I meet similar coffee instead of breakfast, dog but occasional & selective cat/fish/bunny, love bacon hate animal abuse people. I forge ahead in still believing in the dreamlike possibility of that crazy, mad love that feels so reckless & uncontrollable within that it just might be wrong but sweetly slaps you in the face reminding you that it’s so right. I actively dream about dancing with my dad at my wedding and looking like a 20 something bride in my dress even though in my mind I’m years behind schedule with one too many wrinkles on my forehead. I carry mental pictures with me of my brother carrying his wife up the stairs to their bedroom when she falls asleep during a movie on the couch knowing that one day it will be my turn and my husband will do the same for me because I’ve got a bad habit of falling asleep on the sofa. I visualize sitting in my office full of plants and windows leading a team of people making a living off living their dreams and sharing their creative special powers with the world. I make lists of all the places I have yet to travel with conscious efforts of someday soon checking them off. I have made a conscious agreement with myself to live my life despite my fears -despite the foolish people who have hurt me instead of embracing and accepting me for who I am. I have a made a conscious agreement with myself to open my eyes more often.