It’s been a while since I was interviewed by the amazing dating collective “let’s mend”.I still have some of you reaching out to me thanking me for my honesty about being single and the struggle of dating as a sensitive girl. I thought it would only be right to update and say what it’s like on the other side of the fence! I found love in a hopeless place.
Since I began this post well, my heart has been broken again, but not in the way that you might think. I’m in the third day of my break up with a man I thought was it for me. The first day was hell. The second day I woke up from what seemed to be a normal dream about my life as it previously was… I woke up and had to separate fact from fiction and remembered the reality. That he wouldn’t be mine anymore, he wouldn’t be texting me good morning. The kind of good morning that makes you want to wake up and get your day started. You see sometimes we lose love when both parties are madly in love too. Because of circumstances. I haven’t been sleeping so much, and I still have the feelings of wanting to have this person as my support. I’m still running to the person who is causing me pain for comfort. So many thoughts are running through my head and heart and well I feel broken but I feel secure also because I know that this was real. And I know if it was as real and deep as I think it was, it’s not the end.
I’m almost 32 years old, and I finally found the man of my dreams. He was kind with me, honest for the most part, ambitious and had heart. He was patient with my crazy, he understood my pain from my life experiences,and we shared similar paths. When I met him I was sure he was my soulmate. His life is complicated like anyone else’s but with serious responsibilities and priorities that succeeded our couple, we didn’t have an ordinary relationship. I won’t share all the details of my personal life, but it is love. The kind you feel in your bones. When I was with him I felt like time stopped sometimes, and I kept looking at my watch to see how many hours or moments I had left. When I hugged him I felt the room spin. I felt electricity in my body when we kissed. I felt alive and with resilent purpose. And I know he felt it too. When you’re in those kinds of moments with someone you can’t help but to know it. And understand when it’s different than anything you ever felt before.
I wasn’t really in love before this I think. When I met him and opened my eyes to him I had the feeling that I had been through all of this before with him, but just not in this lifetime. I wondered if this was my bigger ultimate purpose for drifting and ending up overseas in France. Finally, I thought this was my time. I’ve always been that single ambitious girl looking at my friends in longterm relationships with envy wondering how they had it so easily and why it was so hard for me. Was I too selective? Probably. Did I make love a priority in my life? Probably not in the right way. But when I met him, everything made sense why I was alone for so long and I was thankful for the past failings of the previous “love” I thought I had experienced. Like any of us, I have my own problems and insecurities from past relationships but we had a good relationship besides for that and I saw a bright future, if even far away in the distance.
I’m always listening to the Modern Love podcast series on the New York Times and I submitted an article about my new romance to the feed. I guess now there’s something eerily poetic about what I am facing. I fell in love with someone with a real life and past, with children, with responsibilities. I cannot be first to him at this moment so he is taking the path of nobility and selflessness and taking a decision for me not to waste my life waiting for his circumstances to arrive to be better. My heart is broken because it’s a decision I’m not being given the choice to take for myself.
At almost 32 years old you can imagine, I am in the important moments of my career but also daydream about what life has to offer beyond the shallow hopes and dreams as I had as a younger woman that I have for the most part achieved. I am often daydreaming about making a home, having children and how it seems I am running out of time…
People tell you when you are in the middle of heartbreak to be creative and that only time is going to heal you. But I have to wonder if we can miss out on true love due to life circumstances and complications what’s on the other side of all of this? I hope time will tell.