What I learned over holiday break and my 90 days back in the United States

Texte by Aurielle Sayeh

I have been in the US for 90 days biding my time, waiting to return to my life in France. I was inspired to write about this experience after watching the premiere of the new season of GIRLS on HBO. I can always relate to so many of the uncomfortable aspects of the show. I think writers are often afraid to write about these things, but I have decided to since it helps me to read them and see that many people are going through some of the same things. This trip has been everything but comfortable. I came back to the states thinking I was going to be approved for my visa and I would be home for maybe 6 weeks the most. At first I tried to look at it as an adventure and an opportunity to be home for a bit, but with no work and a big pause button on the success I have recently created for myself in france that slowly turned to a fail.

Despite all of this, turned out I was in the right place at the right time and my recent success in France had opened mutual doors for my success in the states.

When I moved to LA 6 and a 1/2 years ago , I was all about comfort zones. Nice apartment, lots of stuff, lots of clothes, working a waitressing job more than I went on castings to insure that I had cash at all times… but I still wasn’t very happy. Sure the weather was great, but trust me being in a perfect place full of less than perfect people can not only be deceiving but can be quite boring at times. So as I got older the past few years, and in my eyes more cultured as I traveled I began to learn that comfort was something sometimes you learned to sacrifice for experiences. Experiences that could last you a lifetime. Which leads me to my first lesson..



Sometimes it’s necessary to experience a little discomfort to see what’s on the horizon. I love this saying: “The depth of your struggle measures the height of your success.” I have been through some wild experiences this trip home. From sharing a bed with one of my best friends for almost two months like the grandparents in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to sleeping in an extended stay with my little brother because my father is going through the early stages of a divorce and wicked step mothers do exist. I wallowed in self pity at times and lost my shit, cried even but most times we made the best of it and made it a party.


I know that most girls can relate with me when I speak on this. Why do women cut their hair when they are going through things? I went through one happy year with no hair cuts and split ends smiling my way through life, and when I decided I needed a “change” (aka almost 30 life crisis) THE BANG MONSTER hit me again. Now after combining the blunt grown out bang monster turned awkward middle part side bangs with split ends that had to go for the future existence of growth I now have a soccer mom lob. And we all know when your hair ain’t good, you ain’t good.



Everyone has their own reasons for hurt feelings. Part of becoming an adult is learning that no person thinks the same. Not everyone is comfortable talking about “feelings” and sometimes their defense mechanism is opting out. Within time things can heal if both parties decide to try.

Sometimes when you care about one family member or situation, you accidentally neglect another.


Some people have different ways of showing love. It’s always best to go by the rule Family first. Accept people for who they are and understand that they are the way they are for a reason.


I saw my Grandpa for the first time in two to three years and that’s something I honestly feel terrible about. He lives about an hour and a half outside of Atlanta and sometimes just using my father’s car alone it’s hard to get out there. Unfortunately this past year he was diagnosed with a lung condition and is permanently on an oxygen tank now. I cried when I saw him, because it was really hard for him to breathe just walking from the car. I held his hand and stayed next to him the entire time that I could. We ate dinner with my Aunt and I am very thankful that I was able to see him. I guess what I am trying to express is that if you can, make time to spend time with your elders. The people that were there for you when you were just born and babies. They won’t be around forever, but they will remember that you cared enough to see them.



Over the past few years, I have been through some really heavy family stuff- sometimes I feel like no body can possibly understand. It has drained me mentally, emotionally, and physically. BUT I TELL YOU WHAT- I could not have survived without my friends. REAL FRIENDS. I have been so afraid that some of my family things were too deep, serious or dramatic to share with my friends at times. The real ones forced their way in my life and to help me and be there for me when things felt quite hopeless. Now that I am getting older, I really make time for the people I feel connected to. I try, even if I am tired, too busy, or exhausted. I try to think of others and I try really hard to be a good friend because the truth is I need my friends just as much as they may need me.

Traveling, the best lesson I have learned is that real friends will be there for you no matter how much time has passed and they will check in. You should do the same.


This is something I have a hard time understanding myself, but I do comprehend. I receive lots of male attention. I am close with a lot of my male friends. I love many men in my life. In this moment -NONE OF THEM ARE RIGHT FOR ME. And in this moment in my life, none of them are “the one”. As a Woman I find myself growing in so many areas in my life, except this one. I keep the same patterns, and keep the same company. I had lunch with an american male friend of mine the other day and was explaining to him my dude stories, or lack there of and he really made a few things crystal clear for me…. Love is just like anything else in our lives. It’s the law of attraction. We get what we accept. We get what we think we deserve. We get what we put out into the universe for ourselves. You want the bad boy, you get the bad story. Right now I am highly focused with my career and just learning and living that I hadn’t realized what I was telling the universe about what I wanted in love. It’s something I actively want to work on as a Woman.


It’s not always easy. Sometimes the greatest people second guess themselves. I know that I do. I know that people I look up to do too. Sometimes we see things differently than they actually are and that my friends fucks us up. That’s when you need to take a step back and try to gain perspective on the given situation. The universe (and G-d) also likes to sometimes give gentle, subtle reminders of exactly why we are thinking this way and to remind us that NEWSFLASH: we are not thinking clearly or objectively.

Have confidence in yourself. Believe in yourself. Fight for that. Do things for yourself that allow you to feel better about yourself inside and out. When you’re feeling weak talk to the people that love you, and think back to moments that you felt like the shit.


In closing I can tell you that the hard moments are absolutely worth the great moments. There’s not a moment that I don’t praise G-d for both. When I have overcome the hurdles and have made it past the storms I feel stronger and I feel like I can handle the next thing that may come at me. C’est la vie.

P.S. I forgot the most important piece of what I learned- pay fools no mind.

photos by  vlasta pilot

makeup by natalia rey

bra by negative underwear