Well yesterday I finally left my house for the first time in 3 days. After one week of no sports I decided staying in bed watching season 4 and 5 of the vampire diaries being sad wishing I had a vampire boyfriend IRL to have crazy vampire sex with and eating pain au chocolat wasn’t gonna help me feel better, but getting my ass back to the gym would.
So I left and went to Dynamo (spin class) and my place to escape really. I took the metro and I have to admit that the mood was somber. I live on one of the busiest ligne’s in Paris, the 13 and this day it wasn’t busy in fact it was empty. There were plenty of places to sit and people were just looking down or looking around at their surroundings. I saw an arab man with a backpack and an electronic cigarette in his hands and as ashamed as I am to say this I was scared. I put my headphones on and tried to tune everything out, but I really didn’t feel safe. The alternative was walking but I can’t say I am any less afraid of that.
I used these moments of fear to look around at people. To look in their eyes, we are all feeling pain right now. All over the world in fact. But in Paris it’s thick like smog. The smell of fear, sadness and pain is inescapable. The weather has even decided to mourn with the people with no sun in sight just grey skies. To make matters worse, we are a city of entertainment and arts. All of my jobs have been cancelled for the next two weeks. I really am not angry or sad about that because I understand… but life really has to go on. How do we chance our consciousness when we are forced to stay at home and stop doing what we love and drown ourselves in our fear and sadness. I must admit fantasizing about vampires is the closest thing to escaping this all that I have come.
So I decided to make a little mix of happy and light hearted songs for my friends. Music is one of my ways to escape as doing sports and writing is. I refuse to stop living. I know maybe society right now is gonna throw this in our face everyday for a while, but it’s up to us individually to not forget this, but to change the mood and spirit as a collective to prevent more bad things from happening. When you are sad, mad, angry many unfortunate things follow. When you are happy, loving, open and positive good things follow. We don’t have to do anything but to change our way of thinking and stop fighting eachother.
I am going to go to yoga tonite with some friends to find my peace and reflect on the future year and being with my family back in america. My grandpa had a stroke on friday night and can’t walk, talk or stand up on his own right now- and I am having many personal issues as well. But after spending days and days crying in bed and feeling sad I have decided to stand up and be a strong woman again. We cannot let this stop us from living or being positive because then we are letting the enemy win.
“As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
– Marianne Williamson