I’ve been traveling for four months now within the boundaries of my old life and my old homes and while a lot of things have changed somehow it’s me that’s so different. I know a lot of you see my day to day and all the traveling and it looks cool. Well it is. I enjoy it a lot and I am extremely blessed but it’s also a huge journey full of daily sacrifices to my comfort, stability, etc. I have been wanting to write a post like this for a long time because looks can be motherfucking deceiving, am I rite?

Before I moved to Europe, I was living in LA modeling and I have to say I got so caught up in the quality (or lack there of) of the people around me I was completely burnt out from the city and the little surface tricks it had to offer. I still feel that way. But when I removed myself from the equation, moved overseas and got to know myself aside from everything that I was supposed to want in this comfortable place I began to become someone that was unshakable anywhere I went.

Not unshakable in the sense that I don’t experience fear or get scared, because I do. I question my path everyday. But in the way that I know what I am doing and I know where I am going and I know in some areas of life if I am not moving fast enough it is my own fault. This doesn’t reply to things like family or love. Those boxes of life are complicated, situational, circumstanced based, and normally ones that are in G-d’s plan #drakevoice.

It’s been so nice to be in Los Angeles these last months after being in Europe for so long because I can actually see what I have accomplished since I left, who I have become, how I have grown as a woman, and still come back to LA and appreciate all the things I love about it and the little girl I was before. I am not perfect now, I am working through a lot of flaws and healing but alas I know myself. I know my bullshit, I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses and I am at a place of zero tolerance for the rest of it.

Traveling is extremely hard, especially when you are working through it. My roomate travels a lot like I do but to more far away, exotic places and I am always low key a little jealous until I remember how I feel amongst my travels. Some social media influencers are doing us all a disservice by making it look easy. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not. A lesson that G-d keeps putting right in front of my face is that all the things you WANT and hope for can be for you, but there will be obstacles, there will be times of preparation and there will be sacrifices sad to say a long the way.

Our will is an amazing thing and as long as you are directly connected with your purpose and who you are any moment in your life even if it feels like devistation at times will propel you forward in some shape and form. For example, over my last months of travel there are many things I have been going through that you won’t see directly on my instagram. I’ve been struggling with getting past my breakup and starting over, completely immobilized and unable to connect with anyone new romantically or even see it possible. I have been blessed enough to welcome my two newborn nieces into the world and feel crazy connections with these babies that make me wonder at 32 when will be my turn? Why hasn’t this happened for me yet? And what is wrong with me? I’ve also been on a very private journey about finding out my genetic makeup and who I am dna wise, all while battling the void of a relationship with my Mother (not in absence of my trying).

There have been moments I have woken up in the morning and have had all the right tools and people in front of me but just could not. I’ve numbed myself over the last months with usage of pot, writing my book, and sleeping. I’ve fallen on the floor crying at times, calling my father sobbing. I’m 32 and I don’t mind to admit these things. I am on the journey like all the rest of us.

One thing I have and never will lose are my internal gifts and my drive. I may be slower on some days, I may want to give up on others but I still know that I can’t and I won’t. I’ll keep going. A lot of exciting new things and changes coming that I can’t wait to share with you all!

xx Bisous

photos:Melisa Mendesz